Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Played possum and died, poor Madam Fly!!

So people remember Madam Fly? That big fat lady fly, who was merrily swishing across my home. She has befallen a tragic death yesterday sigh!!! Let's us all take a moment here and maintain silence for our Madam Fly. WHAT? Who Madam Fly? You don't know any such fly. What are you doing even reading my blog? Go read this first.

Okie okie now back to the story of tragic death. So yesterday after a healthy dinner, I retired to my bedroom. I wish I could add some creepy background music to this story, bollywood style. I was on my laptop, focused on beating someone's "Crazy Taxi Score" on Facebook suddenly I experienced a swish in front of my nose. Right then I knew that Madam Fly had taken the liberty of entering my bedroom. How dare she? I mean really, how dare she. The moment she saw me annoyed and found me engrossed in some task, she started swaying and swishing and teasing. All right people, I know she always needs all the attention when she is around. Its a natural behavior of flies. But shouldn't she know by now, with all the temper and @$#%%## I say that I completely hate her.

There is nothing I like about her, those transparent wings, bulgy black eyes, 5 crooked feet (ok may be 4 not 5, I mean really who cares) and those germs she carries. But I knew the right thing to do was to ignore her. So I tried to breathe like 3 times and got back to the game. That’s me, I can do that. But how long could I remain that way. In just a few seconds I was on all alert. If I notice some insect and I dislike it, I simply squish it. Tragic, but clean death. But in case of Madam Fly it wasn’t the same reaction. Reason being, she was a humungous fly and an athlete at the same time. This meant running behind her, using guerilla warfare techniques and smashing her at the right moment. I was all over the place. Yelling, eewwww’s and yuckssss which no matter how dead Madam Fly would be, she would hear it. Then there was throwing my slippers in mid air trying to aim at Madam Fly. There were slippers flying all over the bedroom.

Eventually after a lot of jumping on bed, climbing on walls, dragging like a soldier on floor, I took charge and committed the murder. It may seem to people like a brutal murder, but guys I can hardly kill a tiny worm and this was a jumbo fly for God sakes. I once again tried to ignore her and was convinced that it was the only way to deal with her. The moment I did that, she suddenly came flying around and sat on my lap. Eewww, I know ewww, but guys my reaction or rather reflex since I was in a killer mode to beat the Crazy Taxi Score, was to hit her. And guess what? She hopped and fell dead, right there in my lap. “Mar gayi” ha ha ha ha, exactly my reaction. I took a tissue to wrap her and throw her in the dustbin. What did you all think, I would cremate her or something? But the moment I brought a tissue, she flipped over and zoomed away. Huh?? Yeah people, she was playing possum.

Playing plain dead. Can you believe this? Acting dead so that she can freak me out.

She flashed her wings right in front of my nose and I am sure I could hear some laughter there. I decided it was enough. I just got back to my work that very moment and allowed her to enjoy her moment of victory. She was zooming around the room, corner to corner at an amazing speed. Poor ignorant being. She had no idea of the warm mist humidifier ON in the room. While she was all flashy about what she had achieved and flying, she flew over the warm mist. And there and then it happened. She fell right on the humidifier –dead. I am sure for her it must be like a volcano suddenly erupting from the floor, it was a natural calamity. Who could avoid that? Frankly if you ask me, I think it must have been a heart attack. Yeah really, considering her weight and ecstasy at cheating me…she just couldn’t handle it guys.

Monday, January 28, 2008


I mean what the hell is wrong with today’s kids? No, its not the crazy me talking again. No Sir, not this time. Look at this girl. She is what 2 years old. TWO SMALL, TINY LITTLE YEARS!! And she knows the WORLD MAP. Are kids turning into robots or something. OMG, were all those freaky movies true. I hoped and believed that as long as I live they will never come true. Those movies about Androids,Arnold Schwarzenegger's, weren't those imagination of some zombies. Shouldn't she be out there on a beach building a sand castle rather than pointing Hawaii on the World Map. She even knows where Philippines is, I mean what's wrong with her, they eat dogs there man. I heard some news about kids being able to solve puzzles, equations, math @ speed of light or something. What about the good old calculator days? Do these kids even know that a device goes by that name. The one device to which our generation hung with their life. Ok, ok not generation, me. Yeah, you would know if you were to appear that freaking robotics paper with all those fancy shamancy diagrams which made no sense to a normal human brain. Look all you nice people I had to google the actor Arnolds surname coz I couldn't spell it straight. Am I abnormal? With kids like these, learning the world map eventually avenues then streets, hi-tech products such as GPS will become extinct.I loveeee the GPS man. I mean imagine you are trying to figure out a particular location and struggling to understand what that women voice from the GPS is trying to say. You are driving at the speed of 80 miles/hr and constantly moving eyes sometimes to look at the road and sometimes to look at the map. That's exactly when your child who is still sitting in the baby seat,can hardly utter a few words, points out precisely the location on the map. Would you call it miracle or what or just speed up and drive into the nearest car. As if all these things weren’t enough, I came across this another Asian kid, what some 3 yr old , she solves a Rubik cube in 116 seconds. WHAT THE FUCK?? 116 seconds. I am hardly able to get same color on one face of the damm cube till date. Forget solving that utterly mind numbing puzzle. I mean is this child kidding or what? Doesn’t she know what the purpose of a rubik is. You are supposed to kill at least about 4 hours with that darn thing. And never ever in your life are you supposed to solve it. Such mind blowing, outstanding achievements are left for heroes in films such as “In pursuit of Happiness” or to Rajnikanth. How else will a normal person like me believe in miracles and hope for good. I was just about to conclude that there is yet one stream untouched, which these horrifying kids have not explored. But I am yet again wrong. Look at this 3 year old girl . I mean is she abnormal or what? I couldn’t even differentiate the braying of a donkey from the barking of a dog when I was her age. I mean she can PLAY all that. And she even enjoys it? People trust me, something is seriously wrong. Is the world coming to an end? Evolution? Ok ok I shall stop boring all of you here, before you all kill yourself here's another one… What?? You feel this is an abrupt end to the post. My brain is all confused after watching all those videos plus I couldn't think of a ending man, just watch the damm video and stop cribbing.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

I blame the housefly!!

Tissues, cough syrup, ibuprofen, antibiotics, warm water, more warm water these are the things around which my life has been revolving this week. I know you people are not interested in stories of a running nose, but well I am sick and I need to get it out on someone. What better place than a blog?? And why do you think I started blogging, if not for this?

It all started on Sunday. Its like once in a year this kind of cold hits you and you are clueless. You cant stop it, no matter what you do. So there it was, cold right in my face. I was rooted to bed, tugged in a blanket and sedated by pills. That’s when I saw her, zooming around. I thought of smacking her right in her face yesterday, since she was flying very close to the floor.

Then I thought she is too fat, even to carry her own weight. I mean I love pets. I have domesticated lots of animals in my childhood parrots, pigeons, dogs, cats even tortoise. But a housefly is the last thing I would like to have on my pet list. Madam fly has been in my house for 8 days now. 8 goddamm days. I wonder how she managed to break into my house in the first place. I agree she doesn’t misbehave, which means she doesn’t buzz around my ears, doesn’t tease me and doesn’t zoom close to my face. But that doesn’t make her all that friendly and does not motivate me to adopt her. Not when I suspect she is the one who has been spreading the germs around my home.

I find Madam fly swaying meticulously carrying a basket of germs. It feel as if she is spreading them all over my home. I can picture it, the germs are pretty flowers for her and she sways and spread them around. I have politely opened the door and asked her to leave. She sways merrily right up to the door and then as if in an act to insult me zooms right inside the house, I can imagine her laughing at those times. I called her bitch once and the next moment saw her sitting on my bread slice watching her newly painted nails. Seriously people, what does it take to murder a house fly? Guns, hand grenade WHAT!! No matter what plans I devise she escapes them. Swishes through my hands, takes steep turns, flies right from the ground like a rocket to my nose tip and vanishes. Its impossible to locate her hiding. And day by day I find her putting on more weight. Snif Snif!! I blame her for this, this cold.

Madam Fly you better start packing your bags because the day I recover I will find you… and it will not be pretty.

Monday, January 21, 2008

Chicken Soup and more..

I often go to eat either Chinese or Thai food. Two cuisines which I guess similar to Indian food (spicy). All you need to do is when the waiter/waitress (well both look same sometimes) come to take the order, tell them to make it realllllllly spicy. Emphazine on the multiple "lllllll". Its important to explain to them that their scale of 1 to 5 sucks, and if they try and put in more of whichever sauce they put, it will help. Most of the times I either receive blank stares or rude replies. Sometimes they even pull the menus from my hands as if I ran out of the ticking time given to me for ordering my dinner. What is the hurry with them, I wonder? I mean if they are waiting at the table you better give them the order that min or else. Most of the time I am focused on listening to i bling your fhood okhay?? Once I hear that, I know the waiter at least understood the order, so I wont starve or be kicked out. Another major issue is trying to show them American Express card, forget showing even asking if they accept it, feels like a crime. Always hear them totally pissed off and saying angrily Noh Ahmerikhan Espress, only Vizza and Masssterr. Yeah right!! I invariably take too long to order the food I want to eat, also I always end up asking the waiter how is this made or how would this taste. First the guy stares at me, its too difficult to tell where he is looking. Small eyes, round face you know. There is a clear question mark on his face. Kung Pao Cheekhan, its its spyhee and chweet. There you go, so well is it sweet or is it spicy? Yeah yeah spyhee, why do they always repeat what we say? And never, never even try and ask them if a particular thing is veg or non veg. Its like asking for veg food in a Chinese restaurant is banned. I tried once and was totally screamed at. Yeah Yeah Bhej this is bhej, egg okhay?? No egg okhay?? No egg no phood. My hungry stomach kept kicking me from inside asking me to shut up. I calmed myself by looking around and telling self that I was lucky at least the waiter came to take the order. At one time I ordered for lunch special and some sort of soup was served. Truthfully, the soup smelled like toilet eewww. You never know what they can serve at these places. While in India we are worried about Ajinomoto and side effects, here I am not even sure if the chicken is truly chicken or something else. No matter how good the restaurants is, I always find myself digging through the fried rice and confirming that the pieces scattered meat are really chicken. But yet, my poor souls starve for these cuisines and I find ourselves relishing on the food. Sometimes I find these narrow eyed people really very innocent and cute. I love the food, yeah I love it, served hot, I grab the spoon but as I put the spoon in my mouth, I remember the plain dal rice with a dulop of ghee from back home….do I still remember that aroma, do I ?

Friday, January 18, 2008

Addicted to Heroes!!

If you all were wondering what happened to me and blogging? I am alive and no I wont stop boring you all. I have quite a bit of crap to post here, but well these days I am hooked on to Heroes!!! One of the most entrancing serials I have seen in years now. Do you remember those times...times of

..He-Man and the Masters of the Universe...Skeletor...Castle Grayskull..."I have the powerrrr"
..The Cadbury's ad, kya swaad zindagi ka. That girl running out on to a cricket field.
..Vikram and Betaal on Saturday afternoons
..Captain Planet - Captain Planet, he's our hero Gonna take pollution down to zero...
..Tail-spin.... Balooo..
..Chandrakanta and the villian with ridiculous moustache (yakuuuuu), Krur Singh
...Flop show, yeah Jaspal Bhatti
...Falguni Pathak (Yaad piya ki aane lagi or something and the puppets)
.....The sound of Mahabhaaaaaaaaaaaraaaaat as I tried to open my eyes on Sundays
....Looney Tunes
..... And yeah the Giant Robot- Johnny Sokko and the Giant Robot. Where in, a little boy controlled the robo with his watch and the robo had all these amazing gadgets...anyone..anyone at all remembers?
.....Alif Laila, Alif Laila, Alif Laiiiiiiiiila
....Reading Tinkle...waiting for Tinkle Digest to come out in May or holidays
.....Supandi, Kalia the crow,Shambhu Shikari,That fat king....what was his name?? And didnt Shambhu have a wife?

Sigh!!! Thats all my memory has stored. Does anyone remember any more?

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Tring Tring : India Calling

I religiously call my parents daily. For last few weeks I have been terribly missing those high pitched, all instructional conversations. I feel totally undisciplined, like a kid whose parents have gone on a vacation for a whole week and before leaving told him/her how to and how not to behave. The kid nods with his face hanging and agrees undoubtedly, wickedly dreaming of the moment when his parents would leave. So while I was thinking of what is it, that I have been missing for 2 weeks now, I thought of the conversations. Here they are one sided, I am sure you will be able to analyze the other persons response/questions.

1. Me: Hello, hellowwwwww can u hear me….ok ok don't speak when I am speaking, you override my words Ma, helllowwww again…(ohh god I am screaming). What would my neighbors think? Who cares? Ma shhhh listen..Ok you can hear me now. Remind yourself to stick to this pitch for the rest of the conversation. Do you want to go through the test cycle again? So just stick with the pitch.

2. Always and I seriously mean always remind the person that your and his/her time zones differ: Ma,how would I go to work now…I just came back..yeah yeah I know you know, it's still yesterday here no Ma. Hmmmm, Ma I got it, I know you have all these tons of things to do today, don't run me through the list no.Ohh okie which servant are you talking to, listen Ma...errr….ok I will hold…stop talking to 3 people at the same time Ma. Is dad going to office..wait….WAIT Ma…. I wanted..uh huh..okie holding..yeah still holding…MOM ITS 11.30pm…ohhh okie who died? That's the guy in soap opera.. Ma..ITS NOT EVEN job is real no Ma and I don't want my manager to fire me….no I don't always complain…which bhaji wali…which aunt..what are you saying…

3. Prepare for unsolicited lengthy advice for EVERYTHING: Ma I cooked that veggie 15 times now…I like it this way only…what??why??Olive oil is good. No it doesn't kill. Who told you that? Humus is made of chickpeas. Why not? It tastes good. Yeah take less time to prepare. No that's not the reason I make it. No, I don't want to run laundry daily. No, I haven't washed the bedsheets this month. What sweeping?? I use vacuum cleaner. No there are no floors…yawns!! Mommy I told you before....carpets…why?? We need no carpets..its cold no here. Ok when you come you will see. Ok I will tell dad. I will tell that aunt. Ok I will call aunts sisters cousin sons brother. Ok I will wish him for his new born. What? They don't live here no Ma..that's California Ma this is Seattle…Ma its miles away…distance is in miles here no….no Ma I don't know the kms…no I can't drive there on weekends…ok I will call her.

4. Being in shape is your worry, don't even try to turn your Mom/Dad into your personal trainer: Yes Ma..errr…I don't have that much time no Ma. What? Ma its freaking cold at 5.00am. No I don't get up before 12 on Saturdays. Hmmm. No, it’s not bad. Okhay Ma I will do yoga…yeah Ma everyday. Ma I know how to do shravasan, vajrasan, mrugasan or whichever asan (yoga poses), no Ma please don't tell me how to do them. I really know it Ma. Ma I went to yoga classes for 2 years no. Okhay, I know you know it better. Okhay, yeah I am listening. Yeah I know it's important. No Ma, nonveg apparently does not have any co-relation to weight Ma (Self: You freak, now face the music). Okhay I will reduce non veg intake. Okhay Ma.

5. Don't discuss CLIMATE: Yeah it’s still cold here no Ma. What hoodie? No we have hoodies.Ma hoodies cover ears. No, it doesn't look funny?? Hellllowwwwww…hello…can you hear me?? (Oh god why did I change the pitch scale) Ok yeah yeah stop it…I can hear you now…no nothing is happening to me…I am ok.sorry.

6. And seriously keep away from Tarla Dalal or any such recipe episodes: No Ma I don't want to know your 55th version of that vegetable. Tell me the one daddy likes. Which recipe book? No I never looked at that. Ok I lost it. I shifted house Ma, I don't know where it is. Ma tell me the recipe. Errr ok you told me to learn to cook. Yeah. Ma I had exams…okhay not all the time. Forget it Ma, I will look up the recipe online. Hellowwww, hello ma…MAA…Which soap opera??? Okie. Will call you tomorrow. Hello, hello….Looks like she hung up on me again. Whushhhh whts the time. Its 1 am Oh god.

Doesn't end here, does it?

Conscience: Arent you going to call ur father, you never spoke to him?

Me: Yawns!! More Yaws!!! It's 1 already. Can I call him tomorrow? I am totally drained? Its fair…yeah it’s totally fair.

Conscience: Then why call to choose your mum first?

Me: OKIE!!! I will call.

I guess the conversations with dad should be another post? What say? But anyways what are you thinking right now??

Me, I am just thinking: There's days you miss home and there's days you miss home

Monday, January 7, 2008

The black cat seems to follow me…

A couple of days back I was trying to explore Windows Vista which we have recently incorporated. Having found nothing new or exciting to learn I was on the verge of giving up and totally stamp it as a loser when I came across “Gadgets”. The numbers of free gadgets available are quite impressive. No doubt most of them are useless but they do make your desktop look handsome.

So while I was feverishly downloading the gadgets one by one, I came across this watch gadget which is a black cat. It’s called a “Kit- Cat Klock” and has this huge clock inscribed in its belly. Its eyes and tail seems to sway in a complete synchrony. A terrible smile is pasted on its face. And as compared to its body, its eyes seem to be popping out, making it look out of proportion. It seems stoned. But I liked it for its weirdness, apart from the fact that I like cats. Of course I like cats that look normal and cute.

So while it was sitting there and merrily swaying its tails and hovering its eyes in synchrony, I wondered whether the idea of downloading a black cat seemed all that good. Someone mentioned “Oh!! A black cat, that’s 7 years of bad luck”. Oops I thought, well who wants that. Of course shani in my kundali was supposed to have moved on and wouldn’t appear for a long time again. So now what was this new method of obtaining bad luck? In any case, I couldn’t allow the thought to keep banging its knuckles on my brain so I religiously removed the gadget. Gone is the cat, and gone is the bad luck with it. Easy, aint it? I thought of how my mum was all worked up when someone told her that shani maharaj has chosen my kundali for a comfortable stay for 7 years. Woah!! She came up with a list of things I would have to do from that day onwards till the very last day when Shani Maharaj would be pleased and would decide to move on. Happy as he would be since I would act as a perfect host, he would bless me with lots of good luck and good health. For those who don’t know what Shani means, here is the Wiki definition of it:

Shani (Sanskrit Śani शनि) is one of the Navagraha which are the nine primary celestial beings in Hindu astrology (that is, Vedic astrology), Shani is embodied in the planet Saturn. Shani is the Lord of Saturday; the word Shani also denotes the seventh day or Saturday in most Indian languages.
Shani is actually a demi-god and is a son of Surya(the Hindu Sun God) and his wife Chhaya. It is said that when he opened his eyes as a baby for the very first time, the sun went into an eclipse, which clearly denotes the impact of Shani on astrological charts (horoscope).

Now that you know what Shani means, would you even try and challenge him or my mother? Of course I didn’t dare, so there was going to Hanuman temple on Saturday with oil and leaf garland, no non veg food on Saturday, chatting of mantras.

While I considered discussing with my mum about this whole idea, I thought of the thousand other things she could think of and had chosen not to. At least she didn’t want me to wear black clothes on Saturday or light a lamp near peepal tree at night (that’s scary) or offer black grams to a buffalo (now who came up with that) or offer ladoos to crow (ofcourse they would be pleased and will appear every Saturday) or offer jaggery to monkeys (where would I find one in Mumbai baring the multiple humans acting like one around). Did I get distracted from the theme of this post?

Coming back to where we started, so well I had deleted the black cat and bamm!! Gone was the ill luck. Now at peace, I was living my life as ever. And then one fine day, after a week when Chritmas and all holidays were gone by and time for everyone who went on an extended holiday came to an end, a colleague came back from Thailand. And he was kind enough to have considered everyone in office and brought a gift for EVERYONE!! So round he went from person to person distributing gifts and I was all hoooo haaa over the cute little weird stuff toys he gave everyone. And then he gave me my stuff toy which was, guess what “A BLACK CAT”. A freaking black cat again. Ohh dear!! So there she was sitting in my palm and smiling at me, while I wondered what do I do now. I hung her near my table not thinking about the cat. Next day I went to buy a shower caddie and guess what guys, the only one I liked was a cat. I say what the heck? I will get a cat one if I like one. So cat caddie arrives with me home and is now hanging from my shower. Yesterday I went to my friend's office and guess what, one of his Egyptian colleague brought him a gift from Egypt which is now sitting on his table. Well, you guys would have to find it in the mess of innumerable papers and pens and food and a partly eaten or broken stress buster. By the way guess what the gift is- ITS AN IDOL OF AN EGPYTION GOD. It had a head of a cat and body of a human. Though her feet feel like paws. Woah!!

I looked up on Wiki about a black cat only to find:

Historically, black cats were symbolically associated with witchcraft and evil. In Hebrew and Babylonian folklore, cats are compared to serpents, coiled on a hearth. The cat was worshipped in Egypt and to kill one was considered a capital crime. When an Egyptian family's cat died, the cat was mummified and the family went into mourning. Romans, also, considered the cat sacred and introduced the animal into Europe. In Europe, apart in Italy or Spain, a black cat crossing one's path is considered good luck; however they were also seen by the church as associated with witches. Black cats (and sometimes, other animals of the same color, or even white cats) were sometimes suspected of being the familiars of witches. By the 17th Century, however, the cat began to be associated with witchcraft and its luck turned from good to bad in many areas around the world. The black cat was still usually seen as good luck; however, in the USA and parts of Europe (e.g. Spain), which saw witch hunts, the association with witches caused them to be considered as bad luck.

While I read this, I was beaming with happiness.

Well I guess, a cat is a cat, white or black. And whether it gets good luck or bad is up to you. So all my cats will continue to be with me and of course bring lotsa luck!! But can’t be ignored the fact that the black cat seems to be following us around, isn’t it?