Group Health next door!

I have to tell you about this. I don’t remember if I have mentioned earlier, but our company shares the same building as Group Health Medical Centre. There is a Hear Centre, See Centre, Behavioral Centre, Psychologist. This doesn’t mean that there are patients walking in and out of the building all the time. Yet occasionally there are weird people one might bump into, either in the elevator or in the lobby. These are mostly harmless people. There hasn’t been a single harmful or aggressive episode or event in the building, I have to mention this so as to get it out of way and out of your minds.

I have travelled to my office on the 3rd floor sharing the elevator ride with old couples. I find oldies and kids very similar. They both have soft skins. They both do not have most of their teeth. Invariably I have found both the kinds smiling a lot. Today in the elevator there was a old couple. They smiled at me and suddenly the old man said. "Do you know we share the same ancestors?" I was like WHATT. I thought he was talking about Chimpanzees or Monkeys. I thought maybe he just came from the Behavioral Centre, so best ignore him. If possible try and recite Ram Raksha Stotra. But well then he went on to say "Your ancestors travelled from Africa to India. And ours travelled from Africa to Europe and then to here. That makes us related in some way". I was almost walking away from them, but this sentence made me turn around and face them. "Huh? Well ok" I said and smiled. His wife smiled back at me. Then he goes, "That’s the reason you have good big eyes just like we do". I burst out laughing at this. He kind of made a grumpy face. So I replied, "Well Sir yours are blue and mine are black". It was as if he just wanted me to comment on his knowledge and kind gesture or something. It made him feel satisfied. He put his arm around his wife’s shoulder and took baby steps towards the exit while smiling at me.

At 12.00 pm today, I saw another old couple. The woman was dragging a small cylinder on a little trolley which she was pulling. I just caught a glimpse, so I quickly took fast steps to see what she is using it for. It was an oxygen cylinder. She had an oxygen supplying cable running to her nose. She still smiled at me; I felt awkward and called myself “stupid” at least 4 times because I had run to see what it was.

I also remember one time this old woman had walked into the lobby and spread out her hands as if they were wings and kept going round and round in slow motion. She was trying to locate some address. Weird eh? There are a couple of youngsters who come with their parents, teenagers really. In hip hop clothes and sort of disoriented looks. This bunch does give me creeps. There was one such kid who had not tied his shoe lace and kept flipping it over and over. It was like he needed something to distract him constantly. His mother was calmly standing along the wall of the elevator, eyes closed. I felt she was praying.

Then this other time, there was a young couple, both with weird hair. The guy's were really long, where as the girl’s were really short and spiky. The moment the girl entered the elevator, she dramatically hugged the guy. I kind of folded myself and stood in a corner, biting on my own nails. When we reached level 1 and the elevator door opened, they both exclaimed, "We did it! This elevator ride wasn’t scary". I looked around standing in the elevator while they walked out, wondering what could be wrong with this elevator and why a ride from level 3 to level 1 could be so scary. I never got the answer but whenever I am alone in the elevator I still wonder about it.

There was also another old couple one time, the hubby was arguing with his wife that he doesn’t need new glasses and she kept telling him how he certainly does because he looks sooooooooooo old in the current ones. They were headed to the See Center. Heheheh. This couple must be in their 80’s. But the nice part with all this is, you always come across someone who shares a quick smile, chats a bit and that makes you feel a part of this society. Sometimes you find home away from home.

Bai Famine!!

I need to burp out this sales call issue which seem to be hovering in my brain. I totally understand the pressure of sales targets and all the so called cold sales callers go through to achieve them. I totally sympathize with them but then again the calls I receive, they are unforgivably barbaric. The point is, these merciless cold callers seem to somehow manage to obtain the number and blast a series of calls trying to sell anything right from office supplies to financial products to some stupid directories, was it nail clipper last time? Oh don't ask, it could be anything on the face of this planet. And the worst part is they try to con you. Yeah I said CON!! The same caller calls 5 times a day trying to sell the same product, changing his accent, tone, style sometimes he even tries to cough or sneeze or choke creating a different tone and voice. Ridiculous, isn’t it? But well the deal we have at my office is not to be rude to anyone who calls; it's like a karma issue I guess. So I try to calm myself by counting from 1 to 10 and trying not to focus on anything the salesmen is saying by focusing on replying to my emails.

On another note, I was thinking about maids in India, who doesn't think about them when you are trapped in a bai famine country. I declared Bai's whether its Sitabai, Savitribai, Moushi or Simply Plain Bai as one of the most valued assets when i moved to US. I remember at least 10 Bai's if not less who were employed by my mum. Their interviews were conducted solely by my Ma and the sessions were quite grueling. Grueling for me I say, neither for my Ma nor for the Bai but definitely for me. The most important decision making factor would be the salary and our Bai Candidate would simply turn out to be a no show on the very first day if it weren't for industry standard salary which meant same or more than her other employers or our neighbors. Ma would try to evaluate her on various parameters as in whether she would steal, cleanliness, argue, ask for raise, gossip with neighbors (meaning definitely tell us about them but not tell them about us) and of course how many times she would WFH (Dandi marne as we call in Marathi). So each one of the 10 Bai's have left a memory which makes me smile.

Savitribai (Not Phule, just our maid) used to constantly eat mawa or tambaku (tobacco), which meant visiting the sink to spit a thousand times while she did all the chores. Though she claimed to have cleaned the sink daily, the stains of her incessantly tambaku eating reflected on the sink. Savitribai was fired the day my dad logged a complaint to Ma.

Then came Moushi, I don't even know why I called her Moushi. She was definitely the award winner Bai. Why?? Coz in a few days of employment she managed to terrify my mother. I believe she had some sort of schizophrenic personality (disorder). She used to talk to herself while she swept bedroom. Initially it began by mumbling to herself but then later she was talking full volume. She was fired for the doubt of stealing my Ma's wrist watch (which has been one of Ma's all time favorite firing strategies).

And yeah how can I forget Kamla Bai, she was the one who always managed to flood the passage between kitchen and bedroom where we put clothes on wires for drying. How? Simple, never used to wring them. Get the clothes fresh out of a bucket of water and throw them on the wire. Water would drip till the entire passage was flooded. Ma, fired her went one day when Ma slipped in that passage and barely managed to grab the door before she could fall with a thud.

Kamla Bai left the job soon after that unable to cope with the constant nagging. Another unique character was Luckshumi (Laxmi really!! But that's how she took pride in calling herself). Luckshumi bai had a thing about tv serial especially the Saas Bahu ones. Ask her about any serial, the characters (not real names but serial names), their costumes, accents. Instantly she would turn into that character herself and mimic the character. It was quite disturbing to watch her perform I tell you. But anyways she was some character. She believed she had sinned in her previous life and hence ended up being a Bai else she would definitely be in the league of krishmas and kareenas of Bollywood. Most of the time I would find her day dreaming. She quit hoping to join Bollywood.

Then came Vimla Bai, she was a narimukti person. While all Bai’s before her had complained of being beaten up by drunken husbands. She on the other hand used to come home and inform that she managed to give two punches to her husband for getting drunk. I have a feeling she knew karate. Her husband Ramu washed all the cars in building. Was an extremely skinny guy. I don’t remember why she quit or guess she is still there.

Does all this mean its better not to have a Bai? Ofcourse not. I still remember Sunita, Anita and Sulekha who were so good at their jobs. Knew what we liked to eat, knew that the collars of shirts need to be brushed, the ironed clothes need to kept carefully and who somehow never felt like Bai’s. Really all I need is this Bai Famine time to end...can Bai's be outsourced here??

True Lies

I was thinking about all the stories I either heard or read in my childhood. How I believed them and thought such things existed. It makes me laugh now, yeah laugh about all those silly stories I believed in. And for ages kids have been listening to the same stories and continue to believe in them. Take the tortoise and the hare story for instance. I mean how on earth can a tortoise win a race with an hare.

When I was a kid (Ahem! says the kid in me) my parents brought a tortoise home. He was the most boring pet ever. Every time anyone went close to him, he would simply curl in the shell and stay there still, not moving, seemed dead to me. I used to move the shell round and round at an alarming speed, hoping he would get dizzy and at least poke his feet or head out. But No Sir! He would enjoy the rollercoaster ride and stay there inside his shell. There was no playing, no hiding, no enthusiasm or energy. I would see him walking across the living room when I left for school in the morning and find him at the same spot when I returned. Trying to cross the miles of living room. Slow and steady ha!! The distance covered would be few cms at the most. Coz for anyone who walked past him and for any footsteps meters away from him, would be like some earthquake for this soul and then he would stay hidden in his shell for hours, till he was convinced that the natural calamity has disappeared.

And then this story of tortoise and hare. How?? I would ask Ma, how could the tortoise ever win any race. She would reply "Thats coz he slept". I bet even if the hare slept for a decade, he would still win.

And what was that crap about Thumbelina – the little girl. I mean literally a person of the size of a thumb. Wouldn’t she be squished while her mum tried to dab some powder on her face? I used to keep asking Ma size of thumb means whose thumb, your, mine? And she meets this mouse. So I would ask again, “Ma, the mouse didn’t eat her?” No!! Huh?

Then came the Fox and the sour grapes. Yeah right!! If only a fox could think so much. And the moral of the story was “Its easy to despise what you cannot get” Huh?? “Ma, what does that mean?” So if I don’t get a first rank and say that its too hard to get the rank, is it ok Ma?” "No its not ok. You shouldn't do that”. Why not? The fox did it. I could never understand whether the story conveyed “resentment” or to the fact that “someone who after losing denies the intention of winning altogether”. Too confusing.

Then there was the crocodile and the monkey tale where the crocodile wants the monkey’s heart and the monkey convinces him that its back on the tree. I mean really, what crap. Crocodile I believe is a predator and which monkey on earth would agree to sit on his back. Ridiculous! Moreover which crocodile would let its prey get away once its caught. But coming back to the truth- I loved these stories and I believed them and their morals. But I wonder if I would tell them to my kids and whether they would be as applicable then. Probably they would know too many facts, too much exposure and will just not agree with fantasies.

On another completely different note, rice sambar and fried eggplant make an awesome combination. Don’t worry I wont turn this blog into a recipe blog ever!!

Played possum and died, poor Madam Fly!!

So people remember Madam Fly? That big fat lady fly, who was merrily swishing across my home. She has befallen a tragic death yesterday sigh!!! Let's us all take a moment here and maintain silence for our Madam Fly. WHAT? Who Madam Fly? You don't know any such fly. What are you doing even reading my blog? Go read this first.

Okie okie now back to the story of tragic death. So yesterday after a healthy dinner, I retired to my bedroom. I wish I could add some creepy background music to this story, bollywood style. I was on my laptop, focused on beating someone's "Crazy Taxi Score" on Facebook suddenly I experienced a swish in front of my nose. Right then I knew that Madam Fly had taken the liberty of entering my bedroom. How dare she? I mean really, how dare she. The moment she saw me annoyed and found me engrossed in some task, she started swaying and swishing and teasing. All right people, I know she always needs all the attention when she is around. Its a natural behavior of flies. But shouldn't she know by now, with all the temper and @$#%%## I say that I completely hate her.

There is nothing I like about her, those transparent wings, bulgy black eyes, 5 crooked feet (ok may be 4 not 5, I mean really who cares) and those germs she carries. But I knew the right thing to do was to ignore her. So I tried to breathe like 3 times and got back to the game. That’s me, I can do that. But how long could I remain that way. In just a few seconds I was on all alert. If I notice some insect and I dislike it, I simply squish it. Tragic, but clean death. But in case of Madam Fly it wasn’t the same reaction. Reason being, she was a humungous fly and an athlete at the same time. This meant running behind her, using guerilla warfare techniques and smashing her at the right moment. I was all over the place. Yelling, eewwww’s and yuckssss which no matter how dead Madam Fly would be, she would hear it. Then there was throwing my slippers in mid air trying to aim at Madam Fly. There were slippers flying all over the bedroom.

Eventually after a lot of jumping on bed, climbing on walls, dragging like a soldier on floor, I took charge and committed the murder. It may seem to people like a brutal murder, but guys I can hardly kill a tiny worm and this was a jumbo fly for God sakes. I once again tried to ignore her and was convinced that it was the only way to deal with her. The moment I did that, she suddenly came flying around and sat on my lap. Eewww, I know ewww, but guys my reaction or rather reflex since I was in a killer mode to beat the Crazy Taxi Score, was to hit her. And guess what? She hopped and fell dead, right there in my lap. “Mar gayi” ha ha ha ha, exactly my reaction. I took a tissue to wrap her and throw her in the dustbin. What did you all think, I would cremate her or something? But the moment I brought a tissue, she flipped over and zoomed away. Huh?? Yeah people, she was playing possum.

Playing plain dead. Can you believe this? Acting dead so that she can freak me out.

She flashed her wings right in front of my nose and I am sure I could hear some laughter there. I decided it was enough. I just got back to my work that very moment and allowed her to enjoy her moment of victory. She was zooming around the room, corner to corner at an amazing speed. Poor ignorant being. She had no idea of the warm mist humidifier ON in the room. While she was all flashy about what she had achieved and flying, she flew over the warm mist. And there and then it happened. She fell right on the humidifier –dead. I am sure for her it must be like a volcano suddenly erupting from the floor, it was a natural calamity. Who could avoid that? Frankly if you ask me, I think it must have been a heart attack. Yeah really, considering her weight and ecstasy at cheating me…she just couldn’t handle it guys.

Kids....Geeks...Freaks!!!

I mean what the hell is wrong with today’s kids? No, its not the crazy me talking again. No Sir, not this time. Look at this girl. She is what 2 years old. TWO SMALL, TINY LITTLE YEARS!! And she knows the WORLD MAP. Are kids turning into robots or something. OMG, were all those freaky movies true. I hoped and believed that as long as I live they will never come true. Those movies about Androids,Arnold Schwarzenegger's, weren't those imagination of some zombies. Shouldn't she be out there on a beach building a sand castle rather than pointing Hawaii on the World Map. She even knows where Philippines is, I mean what's wrong with her, they eat dogs there man. I heard some news about kids being able to solve puzzles, equations, math @ speed of light or something. What about the good old calculator days? Do these kids even know that a device goes by that name. The one device to which our generation hung with their life. Ok, ok not generation, me. Yeah, you would know if you were to appear that freaking robotics paper with all those fancy shamancy diagrams which made no sense to a normal human brain. Look all you nice people I had to google the actor Arnolds surname coz I couldn't spell it straight. Am I abnormal? With kids like these, learning the world map eventually avenues then streets, hi-tech products such as GPS will become extinct.I loveeee the GPS man. I mean imagine you are trying to figure out a particular location and struggling to understand what that women voice from the GPS is trying to say. You are driving at the speed of 80 miles/hr and constantly moving eyes sometimes to look at the road and sometimes to look at the map. That's exactly when your child who is still sitting in the baby seat,can hardly utter a few words, points out precisely the location on the map. Would you call it miracle or what or just speed up and drive into the nearest car. As if all these things weren’t enough, I came across this another Asian kid, what some 3 yr old , she solves a Rubik cube in 116 seconds. WHAT THE FUCK?? 116 seconds. I am hardly able to get same color on one face of the damm cube till date. Forget solving that utterly mind numbing puzzle. I mean is this child kidding or what? Doesn’t she know what the purpose of a rubik is. You are supposed to kill at least about 4 hours with that darn thing. And never ever in your life are you supposed to solve it. Such mind blowing, outstanding achievements are left for heroes in films such as “In pursuit of Happiness” or to Rajnikanth. How else will a normal person like me believe in miracles and hope for good. I was just about to conclude that there is yet one stream untouched, which these horrifying kids have not explored. But I am yet again wrong. Look at this 3 year old girl . I mean is she abnormal or what? I couldn’t even differentiate the braying of a donkey from the barking of a dog when I was her age. I mean she can PLAY all that. And she even enjoys it? People trust me, something is seriously wrong. Is the world coming to an end? Evolution? Ok ok I shall stop boring all of you here, before you all kill yourself here's another one… What?? You feel this is an abrupt end to the post. My brain is all confused after watching all those videos plus I couldn't think of a ending man, just watch the damm video and stop cribbing.

I blame the housefly!!

Tissues, cough syrup, ibuprofen, antibiotics, warm water, more warm water these are the things around which my life has been revolving this week. I know you people are not interested in stories of a running nose, but well I am sick and I need to get it out on someone. What better place than a blog?? And why do you think I started blogging, if not for this?

It all started on Sunday. Its like once in a year this kind of cold hits you and you are clueless. You cant stop it, no matter what you do. So there it was, cold right in my face. I was rooted to bed, tugged in a blanket and sedated by pills. That’s when I saw her, zooming around. I thought of smacking her right in her face yesterday, since she was flying very close to the floor.

Then I thought she is too fat, even to carry her own weight. I mean I love pets. I have domesticated lots of animals in my childhood parrots, pigeons, dogs, cats even tortoise. But a housefly is the last thing I would like to have on my pet list. Madam fly has been in my house for 8 days now. 8 goddamm days. I wonder how she managed to break into my house in the first place. I agree she doesn’t misbehave, which means she doesn’t buzz around my ears, doesn’t tease me and doesn’t zoom close to my face. But that doesn’t make her all that friendly and does not motivate me to adopt her. Not when I suspect she is the one who has been spreading the germs around my home.

I find Madam fly swaying meticulously carrying a basket of germs. It feel as if she is spreading them all over my home. I can picture it, the germs are pretty flowers for her and she sways and spread them around. I have politely opened the door and asked her to leave. She sways merrily right up to the door and then as if in an act to insult me zooms right inside the house, I can imagine her laughing at those times. I called her bitch once and the next moment saw her sitting on my bread slice watching her newly painted nails. Seriously people, what does it take to murder a house fly? Guns, hand grenade WHAT!! No matter what plans I devise she escapes them. Swishes through my hands, takes steep turns, flies right from the ground like a rocket to my nose tip and vanishes. Its impossible to locate her hiding. And day by day I find her putting on more weight. Snif Snif!! I blame her for this, this cold.

Madam Fly you better start packing your bags because the day I recover I will find you… and it will not be pretty.

Chicken Soup and more..

I often go to eat either Chinese or Thai food. Two cuisines which I guess similar to Indian food (spicy). All you need to do is when the waiter/waitress (well both look same sometimes) come to take the order, tell them to make it realllllllly spicy. Emphazine on the multiple "lllllll". Its important to explain to them that their scale of 1 to 5 sucks, and if they try and put in more of whichever sauce they put, it will help. Most of the times I either receive blank stares or rude replies. Sometimes they even pull the menus from my hands as if I ran out of the ticking time given to me for ordering my dinner. What is the hurry with them, I wonder? I mean if they are waiting at the table you better give them the order that min or else. Most of the time I am focused on listening to i bling your fhood okhay?? Once I hear that, I know the waiter at least understood the order, so I wont starve or be kicked out. Another major issue is trying to show them American Express card, forget showing even asking if they accept it, feels like a crime. Always hear them totally pissed off and saying angrily Noh Ahmerikhan Espress, only Vizza and Masssterr. Yeah right!! I invariably take too long to order the food I want to eat, also I always end up asking the waiter how is this made or how would this taste. First the guy stares at me, its too difficult to tell where he is looking. Small eyes, round face you know. There is a clear question mark on his face. Kung Pao Cheekhan, its its spyhee and chweet. There you go, so well is it sweet or is it spicy? Yeah yeah spyhee, why do they always repeat what we say? And never, never even try and ask them if a particular thing is veg or non veg. Its like asking for veg food in a Chinese restaurant is banned. I tried once and was totally screamed at. Yeah Yeah Bhej this is bhej, egg okhay?? No egg okhay?? No egg no phood. My hungry stomach kept kicking me from inside asking me to shut up. I calmed myself by looking around and telling self that I was lucky at least the waiter came to take the order. At one time I ordered for lunch special and some sort of soup was served. Truthfully, the soup smelled like toilet eewww. You never know what they can serve at these places. While in India we are worried about Ajinomoto and side effects, here I am not even sure if the chicken is truly chicken or something else. No matter how good the restaurants is, I always find myself digging through the fried rice and confirming that the pieces scattered meat are really chicken. But yet, my poor souls starve for these cuisines and I find ourselves relishing on the food. Sometimes I find these narrow eyed people really very innocent and cute. I love the food, yeah I love it, served hot, I grab the spoon but as I put the spoon in my mouth, I remember the plain dal rice with a dulop of ghee from back home….do I still remember that aroma, do I ?