Secret-Always hard to keep

When you are told to keep a secret what do you do? Do you have this urge of telling the first person you see, whether you know the person or not? Do you share it with your mom who explains how it’s absolutely disastrous to share a secret and then goes on and on about how it’s a sin you told her, now that she too has to keep it a secret? Do you tell your dad, who if like mine totally finds it uninteresting and lame. Dude it’s a secret, get it. Someone somewhere doesn’t want it to be shared with anyone. Itsss aaa secretttt shhhh. But well, that’s what men do, don’t they? They don’t have secrets, there are no boundaries of what to say or not say when having conversations. Keep our wife, family and kids topics out and there will be no secrets. Also, when you can talk hours and hours about politics, money market and cricket, why would you need any other complicated topics which lead to secrets.

So what do I do when someone tells me to hear them out and then just shut up? Not a word to anyone. Not even a single syllable. Well, I feel as if I have a knot in my stomach. Now if the person had never told me explicitly that it's a secret, I wouldn’t care less. But now after pointing out not to tell, how do I seriously not tell? Don’t get me wrong, I am not the kind of friend who would go share secrets, but this is just an urge of telling someone. Just a little bit you know. And like all good women, I have managed to kill, stab and poke this urge out of my system everytime. But then what’s the harm if you share it with your mom who is like seven seas away and has no remote connection to this so called person whatsoever right?

Ma: (after sharing pleasantries) What else, I hate these long pauses you know…there is so much going on here and I am holding the phone all the time. Bai, tum kal aaogi na (Ma talking simultaneously to the maid servant)

Me: So remembers that person at my office (let’s call him Obi-Wan Kenobi). Why this name is another story for some other time. Obi-Wan told me about blah and blah and didn’t want me to tell anyone.

Ma: What is this? Why did you tell me? Now what do I do with this? You know when it's told not to tell you should not tell. Now how weird will I feel when talking to Geeta masi, Sita masi, Bai and those women who meet me everyday when taking evening walks.

Me: WHAT? Why should they care? And how does this relate in any way to them Ma?

Ma: Well, how did it relate to me?

Me: Ma, you are my mom and I can share stuff with you about a person you remotely know. Doesn’t mean you should go tell half the world about it.

Ma: Half the world, you call this half the world. I am not even telling Sangita masi (our neighbor), Bai II (our other less favorite bai), some mrs x, mrs y, mrs z (women I don’t even know). And they too don’t know this person and don’t say this to anyone but I don’t think they would even visit USA. And don’t mention this to anyone because they certainly think they will.

Me: (What kind of weird information is that, why would I tell someone this) But still you don’t need to tell them. I should have never told you. I take my words back, you never heard about it.

Ma: I maybe old but I am not so old that you just tell me to forget something and I forget. This is a good lesson for you, now you will remember not to tell anyone.

Me: Ofcourse it’s a lesson, but I don’t need to learn it the hard way, do I? Ma, can you just forget this entire topic, pleaaaaaaaase.

Ma: I cannot just forget. Ok maybe just Sangita masi (who by the way would definitely tell half the world)

Me: O dear god. How do I convince you not to say a word to anyone? Where is dad, maybe I should just tell him this.

Ma: What do you mean tell dad, what has he to do with this. (Other phone rings) Hold on now, I need to clear this with you.

Background chatter- Ma talking to someone
Ah Sangita, tell tell. Yes yes, I know her. Your sister’s husband’s cousin right? Yes yes, tell. Oh, getting married, when? Such good news. Not a news? Why? Oh, they haven’t told anyone yet? I see, ofcourse ofcourse. No no, I won’t mention. But what a nice news, ahh sorry not news. Ok ok, talk to you some other time.

Ma: (totally exicited) Listen listen Sangita had just called so and so is getting married. How nice no?

Me: Didn’t Sangita tell you, its not NEWS and don’t share?

Ma: Ofcourse she did, but I bet she is already calling half the world and who are you going to tell, you don’t even know these people.

Me: And about what I said earlier?

Ma: You? What did you say? Yeah, you did tell me some lame story, but it was totally boring. I don’t even remember it now. And I have ten thousand things to do. Call me tomorrow ok?

Me: Ok (yay!)

And just like that she forgot and kept my secret a secret. How nice it is, when you can share something with someone who you know would absolutely forget it after listening hehehe.

Mom's Enthusiasm

Seriously its like one week more and I get on the flight to India. I am lucky to work in one of the tallest buildings in Seattle, with big glass windows. Today as I stood looking out at the sky, the sun peeked out (trust me it’s a very rare event these days) and lit up the whole city. The fall colors glittered, ice clad Mt Rainier looked like a huge diamond and just then an airplane flew across the sky, reminding me of soon…soon the journey begins. Each passing day is making Mom dear excited. For those who have followed this blog know the special bond I share with Mom. For those who haven’t you are in for some story now. So yesterday as usual I call Mom, nothing special, just the routine evening call, what I did get however is a pulse of her intense enthusiasm. That women sure does know how to live and breathe each moment as it goes. This is how the call went:

Me: (Ma picks up the phone in half a ring) Hello Ma, what are you doing?

Ma: (speaks instantly and rather breathlessly) Ha ya, I have been waiting for your call. I wanted to share some news, there is a change in our itinerary, see we travel on the 5th , but before that you need to attend a function and that reduces one day, so we should actually travel on the 4th or wait may be even 3rd. Yeah 3rd would give us more time.

Me: Ma, maaa, maaaaaaaa will you slow down please. I am not following you. What’s this about, which itinerary, who decided, where are we going?

Ma: Uffff, see you don’t have time no? So we only decided where to go and we only created the itinerary. But then this function came up, so we decided we should change the itinerary. Did I tell you about this function?

Me: Who is we? And where are we going? Whose function? No you haven’t told me about the function yet, neither about this so called itinerary or where we will go. Please don’t tell me you created itinerary for travel within Mumbai (trying to lighten the mood and curb the excitement a bit)

Ma: Me means see there is me, your dad, your brother, (some far off) aunt then there is another aunt, uncle..and some more people. We all decided. We all are going no that's why.Last Sunday we all met to decide the itinerary. What Mumbai? You think there is time for that…see on 5th we must go or rather on 4th, I need to call your aunt to finalize. Oh and the function yeah your cousin is getting engaged…so there is that. She wants you to come stay at her place one day before the engagement and then another day gone. Bai (our maid) Baiiii clean there, don’t you see that spot, clear there first.

Me: Maaa why are you talking to Bai now? What M is getting engaged? This is hugeeeeeeee. I am so excited. I have to go shopping with her for her engagement, yeah and I will go stay at her place. Ma I can’t believe it, this is such great news. Why didn’t you tell me earlier?

Ma: Wait now, I have 100 things on my mind and you want me to remember and tell you each one. Girls na, any event you tell them all they think of is shopping. Where is time for that, but who will think that and then you ask why make itinerary. And we’ll see about staying at her place. After years you are coming and you want to go here and there. Stay at home first.

Me: But Maaa...

Ma: No maaa, nothing doing. You must have become skinny I know, first you come here rest and eat properly. At the function everyone will say you look thin and I don’t want that.

Me: Ma I am not skinny,I don't know who told you that or why you feel that way. And how will I become fat in 2 days and 1 day at M’s place isn’t a big deal, please Maa

Ma: What you girls want to do…do. Don’t ask me….Bai where are you going now, ok come in the evening

Me: Ma about this itinerary thing, can you wait till I reach and then we’ll decide?

Ma: Now listen girl, nothing doing, there are several changes to be made in the itinerary, I don’t even know by time you reach whether your aunts and me will come to any conclusion.

Me (laughing noiselessly): Ok ok Ma you decide, now you better hurry and call aunt

Ma: Yeah yeah, look at the time, you just ask me so many things and then time just flies….now I have 100 things to do…ok call tomorrow….Bai o Bai (and her voice fades as she keep the phone)

It has been years since my Mom stopped me from going for sleepover at my sister’s place and when she yelled at me (ofcourse fake yelling) I simply loved it. I couldn’t really reduce her enthusiasm even by a bit and wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. Btw, I still don’t know what the itinerary’s for.

Swine flu!

So 2 weeks without post, I know you all must be wondering what’s up right? Oh come on, ok well may be you didn’t wonder, but I kinda live in my own world where I believe all that exists in world is good. OMG, I seriously have lost it, literally scribbling some utter rubbish and trust me if not for the spelling check thing, this sentence would have sounded totally different. Last 2 weeks there is been lot happening around Swine Flu and Layoffs. Either people are dead, ill or jobless. Ok kidding. But seriously there were emails flying all around about swine flu and masks, one person constantly kept enquiring about a pig mask. Well that said there were parents calling from India and there were enquiries, suggestions, orders and such.

Ma: That disease some flu flu, in papers it says, its all over US. People are dying left and right. You better not go to work. And I have avoided asking you this Hey Ram…do you’ll eat pig?

Me: Ma please! No ones dying, some schools are closed but that’s just precaution, if it was so bad office would have been shut. And no one gets the swine flu by eating pork (Oops there we go)

Ma: NO ONE GETS BY EATING PORK. So now you give up all dharma, karma. Eat cow also, who is there to see. No one is watching so you kids can do whatever you want, Ram Ram…Krishna..Vishnu (and then she goes on a God name recital marathon)

Me: MAAAA, no we don’t eat pork. I am just saying, the disease doesn’t spread that way.

Ma: (Breathing now relaxed)You better stick to vegetarian food. Sangita was telling me about masks, what masks they wear, is it like doctors, nurses?

Me: Who is Sangita? And I haven’t seen anyone wearing masks, but I saw emails, hilarious kinds of masks, I will email bro. He can show you the email.

Ma: Sangita..you don’t know Sangita, she is our bai…like since 6 months and you don’t know. Which world are you in, so many times I told you, I know you call me when you are almost asleep and I am only talking here. So all this time you didn’t know her, now at least you know na? Send that email and send all that swine flu information, here papers write all stories but no real facts.

Me: Ok ok…..telll Sangita I said hi (Gosh!)

Ma: And why are so many people fired, what will all those people do. I remember the good old days, people got a job and would stay there till they retired. Now there are these all horror stories, people change job so many times, you young kids get bored and then change job, complain complain, now see what happened

Me: Ma, this has nothing to do with job hopping. It’s a economy thing. Why do you bother Ma? What’s happening in Saas Bahu serial these days?

Ma: Don’t even ask, I have stopped watching Tulsi serial, so many times characters change, but then I see it now and then. Economy, everything is becoming so expensive and then there is that…what is that…all people removed from jobs. That is why pray everyday, do namasmaran.

Me: (Oh please don’t get started on that now) Ok well, I need to get some sleep now. I will pray and not eat non-veg and yes do yoga and whatever else you say

Ma: Ok Ok I will go tell Sangita there are no masks in US, where she heard it from I will ask. That other building Rajni aunty’s son is in US, her maid told her it seems. Should tell her do some namasmaran rather than talking all this.

Me: Ok byee…(Oh man, sorry Sangita)

Ma: Aaccha, take care, bhaji wali has come…nahi nahi yeh kidhar hai tazi bhaji..dekho kaise dikhti hai ekdum mari hui….aaj kal kuch bhi leke aati ho…kya 10 roopaiya joodi….itna mehenga…nahi nahi…..

And there is went talking to the bhaji wali, I still hung on to the phone listening to their conversation. Sometimes I wish there were bhaji walis here too :)

Chronicles of Ma

It looks like my blog is missing some humour, I scrolled through few earlier posts and the mood around here is growing serious. After talking of Mumbai I tried to think of something hilarious that happened during this week and then remembered SecondSight’s pretty please. So Chronicles of Ma it is, nothing more is ever funnier than discussion between Ma and me. So yday I called Ma, the usual daily call, the usual random talks of increase in the price of veggies, growing pollution, hopeless maids, growing population of cockroaches, steaming hot tea and such. But the highlight was ayurvedic and homeopathic medicines.

Ma: So you saw na that Pushkar Churan, good it is. Everyday eat one spoon full. Spoon must be full. And don’t complain. These young girls, will always argue, never listen.

Me: Ma, Ma, Maaaaa listen no, what you keep talking. Yeah I saw that, one in the red box na?

Ma: Red box, what red box, you must have put it away. You don’t even remember the name, its Pushkar churan. Pooo…shaaaa…kaar

Me (trying to not giggle): Yeah yeah correct, I have it here; no I didn’t put it away. Who makes this stuff? It’s like some company I don’t know and there is no expiry on this.

Ma: Expiry, you want expiry. It’s Ayurvedic, it’s like Haldi, nothing happens to it. You can keep it as long and there is no need to keep it as long if you take it every day. Now girl listen to me, you are going to take one spoon full everyday ok? No arguments

Me: OK Ma, I will. How are things going in India? Ma economy is so bad here; things just seem to be falling apart.

Ma: That is why you must pray daily. Do you recite Ramraksha strotra, Lakshmi stotra, Ganpati stotra, Hanuman stotra, Kuldevi stotra, Gajanan Maharaj stotra daily?

Me: What Ma, I only have an hour in a morning to get ready and go to work and I don’t think there is enough time to recite them.

Ma: Always argue, always. Ganpati is God of knowledge, don’t you need intelligene, buddi and wit to do your work, Ramraksha will protect you from all evil, Lakshmi is for salary, then don’t complain salary cut and this and that and Hanuman, well that’s for strength and also for protecting in addition to Ramraksha and Gajanan Maharaj is for a guru, every person should have a guru. And never forget Kuldevi, always pray to her. And then you complain economy and all. Every day you should pray, do namasmaran. Do you forget to watch all those serials and eat and breathe?

Me: Ma breathing is a natural process, how would I forget it, I don’t even do it consciously. And to survive one has to eat and serials Ma, that’s my lifeline, I can’t give up on those. You don’t know how Big Bang Theory works on stress.

Ma: Big Bang cheeee, what a name. At least some Indianized serials with culture and tradition you watch. Big Bang? What is that? Must be something weird. This young generation God help them. And about economy and job cuts they will go on and on. We have seen so many rainy days, all storm and rainy. And no luxuries like you all. We never complained and now this generation acts as if world is going to end only. Just thinking of tomorrow always, running running, no stopping, no standing and breathing. Then they want all success and money and everything and all that fast. And you remember that aunty (some aunts name I didn’t even remember), her dad’s cousins-sisters-son. He had lost a limb, but didn’t give up, didn’t have a big car or big house or anything but he lived for good 80 yrs and lived a happy life, even without one limb. And you young people will cry and complain, bad economy bad economy. And what about day after tomorrow, that’s going to come and you are still stuck on tomorrow and worries of tomorrow. Rama Rama!

Me (overwhelmed by the lecture and yet trying to gain ground): Ma Big Ban is a comedy. Anywho, now got to go to bed ok. Will call you tomorrow.

Ma:Ok ok, I also have lots of work now, full time talking to you and wasting time, you eat that Pushkar Churna and recite some stotras, timepass you do. Now before going to bed recite. And don’t read book in dim light, and wake up early- early to bed, early to rise. And think of good things. This maid everything wrong she does, they need to be always spoon fed. I have to only do everything.

Me: Ma , Maaaaaaaaa ok ok ok ok. Maid, new one? (Phone cuts) Wasn’t I still talking?

As I kept the phone I realized how simply she could make my worries seem stupid. There are always bigger problems out there but somehow its always the perception that matters. In this big world, all problems frankly are just tiny, its every individual who looks at them through a magnifier.

Tring Tring : India Calling

I religiously call my parents daily. For last few weeks I have been terribly missing those high pitched, all instructional conversations. I feel totally undisciplined, like a kid whose parents have gone on a vacation for a whole week and before leaving told him/her how to and how not to behave. The kid nods with his face hanging and agrees undoubtedly, wickedly dreaming of the moment when his parents would leave. So while I was thinking of what is it, that I have been missing for 2 weeks now, I thought of the conversations. Here they are one sided, I am sure you will be able to analyze the other persons response/questions.

1. Me: Hello, hellowwwwww can u hear me….ok ok don't speak when I am speaking, you override my words Ma, helllowwww again…(ohh god I am screaming). What would my neighbors think? Who cares? Ma shhhh listen..Ok you can hear me now. Remind yourself to stick to this pitch for the rest of the conversation. Do you want to go through the test cycle again? So just stick with the pitch.

2. Always and I seriously mean always remind the person that your and his/her time zones differ: Ma,how would I go to work now…I just came back..yeah yeah I know you know, it's still yesterday here no Ma. Hmmmm, Ma I got it, I know you have all these tons of things to do today, don't run me through the list no.Ohh okie which servant are you talking to, listen Ma...errr….ok I will hold…stop talking to 3 people at the same time Ma. Is dad going to office..wait….WAIT Ma…. I wanted..uh huh..okie holding..yeah still holding…MOM ITS 11.30pm…ohhh okie who died? That's the guy in soap opera.. Ma..ITS NOT EVEN REAL..my job is real no Ma and I don't want my manager to fire me….no I don't always complain…which bhaji wali…which aunt..what are you saying…

3. Prepare for unsolicited lengthy advice for EVERYTHING: Ma I cooked that veggie 15 times now…I like it this way only…what??why??Olive oil is good. No it doesn't kill. Who told you that? Humus is made of chickpeas. Why not? It tastes good. Yeah take less time to prepare. No that's not the reason I make it. No, I don't want to run laundry daily. No, I haven't washed the bedsheets this month. What sweeping?? I use vacuum cleaner. No there are no floors…yawns!! Mommy I told you before....carpets…why?? We need no carpets..its cold no here. Ok when you come you will see. Ok I will tell dad. I will tell that aunt. Ok I will call aunts sisters cousin sons brother. Ok I will wish him for his new born. What? They don't live here no Ma..that's California Ma this is Seattle…Ma its miles away…distance is in miles here no….no Ma I don't know the kms…no I can't drive there on weekends…ok I will call her.

4. Being in shape is your worry, don't even try to turn your Mom/Dad into your personal trainer: Yes Ma..errr…I don't have that much time no Ma. What? Ma its freaking cold at 5.00am. No I don't get up before 12 on Saturdays. Hmmm. No, it’s not bad. Okhay Ma I will do yoga…yeah Ma everyday. Ma I know how to do shravasan, vajrasan, mrugasan or whichever asan (yoga poses), no Ma please don't tell me how to do them. I really know it Ma. Ma I went to yoga classes for 2 years no. Okhay, I know you know it better. Okhay, yeah I am listening. Yeah I know it's important. No Ma, nonveg apparently does not have any co-relation to weight Ma (Self: You freak, now face the music). Okhay I will reduce non veg intake. Okhay Ma.

5. Don't discuss CLIMATE: Yeah it’s still cold here no Ma. What hoodie? No we have hoodies.Ma hoodies cover ears. No, it doesn't look funny?? Hellllowwwwww…hello…can you hear me?? (Oh god why did I change the pitch scale) Ok yeah yeah stop it…I can hear you now…no nothing is happening to me…I am ok.sorry.

6. And seriously keep away from Tarla Dalal or any such recipe episodes: No Ma I don't want to know your 55th version of that vegetable. Tell me the one daddy likes. Which recipe book? No I never looked at that. Ok I lost it. I shifted house Ma, I don't know where it is. Ma tell me the recipe. Errr ok you told me to learn to cook. Yeah. Ma I had exams…okhay not all the time. Forget it Ma, I will look up the recipe online. Hellowwww, hello ma…MAA…Which soap opera??? Okie. Will call you tomorrow. Hello, hello….Looks like she hung up on me again. Whushhhh whts the time. Its 1 am Oh god.

Doesn't end here, does it?

Conscience: Arent you going to call ur father, you never spoke to him?

Me: Yawns!! More Yaws!!! It's 1 already. Can I call him tomorrow? I am totally drained? Its fair…yeah it’s totally fair.

Conscience: Then why call to choose your mum first?

Me: OKIE!!! I will call.

I guess the conversations with dad should be another post? What say? But anyways what are you thinking right now??

Me, I am just thinking: There's days you miss home and there's days you miss home